For all the time, I thought it was my fault for initiating a break up, but I when I read this article, I realised, no it wasn’t my fault. All these times.
I want to scream at you, shake you, strangle you and kiss you all at the same time. I want to force you to look in me in the eyes while I’m crying my heart out to you and force you to tell me that you don’t have any feelings for me. I won’t though, because I shouldn’t have to beg you to want me.
So after I walk away, all I wanted to do was to die. And kept blaming myself, why did I have to be the one who voiced out all the unhappiness first. Did I really do something that I might regret for the rest of my life?
As I sat there alone after the talk about break up. I realised, you aren’t coming after me. All the paranoia came to me, all the cheating incidents swell up to me. I can’t think of anything you have done for me. I can’t think of all the good you have and instead all the bad wrong doings kept coming to me like tsunami.
My visions start blurring and I feel the smack of heat on my cheeks like I got slapped, by Reality. (Your best friend at this point.) Next moment tears start rolling down these hot cheeks like an open tap. Thinking of all the mistakes I made and I shouldn’t have shot my blabber mouth right then. As I punch my knuckles against the wall. They say it’s a heartbreak, but I felt every bone in my body breaking.
The things that ran through my brain when I finally pluck up courage to bid you goodbye, trust me, it wasn’t easy. Letting someone go, no matter how insignificant he/she was. I thought of all the happiness, anxiety, arguments and love/hate relationship like a push and push magnet. Before I say it out loud, and when it was all said, left me dumbfounded not knowing what else to say in my defense.
You can never find a right time to say Break Up. Just know that when I said those words, I am learning to love myself more than I can get off from you. When silence comes after the shouting, we both know its the best for both of us, just that I said it first.
Though you won’t chase after me then, you’ll look for me eventually. Something will trigger a memory and some light bulbs will go off but I’m telling you, if I walk away this time it will be too late.
These are the words I wish I could say to you when we’re standing in the same room, when you ask me what’s wrong and all I can say is nothing.
Because when I say it’s nothing, I actually mean it’s everything.
Yes, it meant everything when I told you I felt depressed, but you didn’t care. So I had to look for happiness from within. Without you.